Jess: I'm stressed out. There, I said it, and the first step to
recovery is admitting the problem, right? Wes and I are moving three months
from today and we know nothing. Nothing about what area we'll be in, nothing about what
churches we'll be serving, nothing about whether one of us will have an
available parsonage, nothing about whether we'll be close enough to one another
to share a car, nothing about how much either one of us will or won't get paid.
Okay, I take that back. We know a few things. We know that Wes is going to have a job, and I know that's more than a lot of people in this country. We know that, one way or another, I'll have an internship. It may not be paid, and it may not be the perfect fit, but it will (most) definitely happen. We know that we'll be in Texas, the place we've been longing to return to since about 5 seconds after we left. And we know that we're going to be together as a family, doing the ministry we have been called to do.
Leaving things in God's hands has never been my strong suit. I spent years running away from a call to ministry because it was NOT WHAT I WANTED TO DO! Thank goodness I listened to the call before getting swallowed up by a big fish or tossed into the sea or some other traumatic event. But throughout this process, I have continued to struggle with "letting go and letting God." I've always been a planner--I like to know what is going to happen and when. I write my entire semester's worth of homework in my calendar the day I get my syllabus, and I already know that the first two weeks of March are going to be challenging as far as assignments go. Yet here I am, entering a vocation in which I am supposed to hand over the authority to God.
It's not as if it would technically be any different if I had been called to be a teacher, a singer, a writer, etc. Everything is God's and we are called to hand over our lives to God. We say so in the Lord's Prayer: "YOUR will be done, on earth as it is in heaven." That means, "help me to give my life over into your hands just like you have control of all that goes on in the heavens and the earth." It's a tough thing to do, though. Most of the time when we hand our lives over to God, we're doing so in the guise of humans. Although I have surrendered myself completely to God's will, I will see this play out in the choices my candidacy committee, professors, bishops, and congregations respond to me. That's tough.
In the middle of all this craziness, I realized on my way to school today that I have this unspeakable joy going on. Despite the stress, despite the nerves, despite the schoolwork piling up, I am joyful. I have confidence in the promises of God and I have faith that God will open the doors that are supposed to be opened for us. Right now, in this place of fears and uncertainty, I am finding it easy (for once) to say, "It's all up to you God. Not my will, but yours." Letting go of the control is bringing me to a deeper understanding of faith, and certainly bringing me closer to God. Trust is required to be able to hand over your life to someone--even the Ultimate Someone.
My prayer for all of us is that we may find the strength to give over our lives to God's will. My hope is that we will find unspeakable joy and peace that passes all understanding in letting go of our own desires for God's sake. For it is in the moments of uncertainty, in the scariest times of our lives, when we see God face-to-face, when we recognize God's true power and great love.
Okay, I take that back. We know a few things. We know that Wes is going to have a job, and I know that's more than a lot of people in this country. We know that, one way or another, I'll have an internship. It may not be paid, and it may not be the perfect fit, but it will (most) definitely happen. We know that we'll be in Texas, the place we've been longing to return to since about 5 seconds after we left. And we know that we're going to be together as a family, doing the ministry we have been called to do.
Leaving things in God's hands has never been my strong suit. I spent years running away from a call to ministry because it was NOT WHAT I WANTED TO DO! Thank goodness I listened to the call before getting swallowed up by a big fish or tossed into the sea or some other traumatic event. But throughout this process, I have continued to struggle with "letting go and letting God." I've always been a planner--I like to know what is going to happen and when. I write my entire semester's worth of homework in my calendar the day I get my syllabus, and I already know that the first two weeks of March are going to be challenging as far as assignments go. Yet here I am, entering a vocation in which I am supposed to hand over the authority to God.
It's not as if it would technically be any different if I had been called to be a teacher, a singer, a writer, etc. Everything is God's and we are called to hand over our lives to God. We say so in the Lord's Prayer: "YOUR will be done, on earth as it is in heaven." That means, "help me to give my life over into your hands just like you have control of all that goes on in the heavens and the earth." It's a tough thing to do, though. Most of the time when we hand our lives over to God, we're doing so in the guise of humans. Although I have surrendered myself completely to God's will, I will see this play out in the choices my candidacy committee, professors, bishops, and congregations respond to me. That's tough.
In the middle of all this craziness, I realized on my way to school today that I have this unspeakable joy going on. Despite the stress, despite the nerves, despite the schoolwork piling up, I am joyful. I have confidence in the promises of God and I have faith that God will open the doors that are supposed to be opened for us. Right now, in this place of fears and uncertainty, I am finding it easy (for once) to say, "It's all up to you God. Not my will, but yours." Letting go of the control is bringing me to a deeper understanding of faith, and certainly bringing me closer to God. Trust is required to be able to hand over your life to someone--even the Ultimate Someone.
My prayer for all of us is that we may find the strength to give over our lives to God's will. My hope is that we will find unspeakable joy and peace that passes all understanding in letting go of our own desires for God's sake. For it is in the moments of uncertainty, in the scariest times of our lives, when we see God face-to-face, when we recognize God's true power and great love.
Wes: So, I have a
confession to make to y’all. I am not a patient person. I am a terrible waiter,
and I’m not talking about the kind that serves food (although I’m probably not
very good at that either). I can’t stand anticipation, and when I want
something or am ready for something to happen, I want it to happen now. Not
later. Now. This really is not a good thing, seeing as how patience is one of
the fruits of the Spirit that Paul tells us about in Galatians 5. I even know I
need to work on it, but the truth of it is that I simply don’t have the
patience to make myself a more patient person.
Right
now, though, I have found myself in a season of impatience. I have so much
happening soon that I just want to
get to it and move on to what the future holds! I want to have it all figured
out where we are going to be living when we move down to Texas. I want to
already know the church at which I will be working. My impatience has kicked
into overdrive. I want these things to happen now. Can’t God just speed things
up for me now that we’re so close?
Waiting
is hard. I don’t like it.
Which,
by the way, is why I am so glad that I am not an Israelite alive during the
Exile. I don’t think I could do very well with that whole waiting all the time
for the Messiah.
It’s
not even that I’m worried about it. I’m not stressed out about what we don’t
know and the fear of the unknown. I’m just very, very ready for it to happen.
I’ve
found solace in the fact that I’m not alone. In fact, the early Apostles were
pretty impatient as well. After Jesus’ Ascension, they were under the impression
that He was coming back within a few days—no longer than a couple weeks at
most. They quickly had to learn patience; patience far surpassing that which I
would need to get over my waiting problems. I mean, they were waiting on God to
come back! In 1 Thessalonians, Paul talks about the “day of the Lord” coming
“like a thief in the night.” He didn’t know when, but he knew it was soon. So
he cautioned the people of Thessalonica to be ready, for it would happen
without even a moment’s notice. In the four Gospels, however, which were
written decades after Paul’s letter, we hear of a different understanding of
the coming of Christ and of God’s Kingdom on earth. It will come, but we must
have patience and cling by faith to the peace of God.
So
even though we are in the midst of all of this waiting, I guess it could be
worse. I guess we could have no idea when we were taking the plunge, or where, or anything, for that matter. But we know a lot. We know that we
are going to Texas, and that we will be within driving distance of all of the
friends and family who we have dearly missed. We know that I will be guaranteed
a full-time job as a United Methodist pastor (which is way more than most can
count on, and I am very blessed by this), and we know that I will be
commissioned in June and will be one step closer to ordination. We know that
somehow, Jess will have an
internship, even if it is unpaid and even if one or both of us has to commute.
We know that all three of us will be together, and above all else, we know that
God has a wonderful plan for us and for our ministry together.
I guess
we can live with waiting for the rest of it.
Well,
that’s it for us. Thanks for reading. Next time, we’ll talk about something
crazy like Martin Luther’s understanding of the third use of the law or the imputed
righteousness of Christ or teething rings.
For
now, though, you stay classy, World Wide Web.
-jess
and wes
Please, Lord, let it be teething rings!
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