Thursday, August 1, 2013

Mommy Wars: Jessica Strike Back

Wes: So, I'm not going to be saying much in this post, which is why I am writing first. The reason is simple: when it comes to issues like this, my place is to give support, listen when she needs to talk/vent/scream, and help out in any way that I can. All of that was to say, this is an extremely important issue, and I hope y'all understand the pain, emotion, and deep love for James behind this post. And you know what, it's not just for James. This is a much bigger issue. Like, global, in how we understand, talk about, and support Mothers and Fathers in every society who are working to ensure the future of humanity. 

Jess
: So there is this thing called the "Mommy Wars." These battles can be about parents who feel inadequate because they don't throw their child a perfectly planned over-the-top party for every birthday, Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, half birthday, etc. Others are about women comparing how quickly they returned to their "pre-baby body," a myth in itself since your body fundamentally changes (for example, I now have wider hips, which isn't something that can just be dieted and exercised away). Some of these battles are over how to properly move your child from bottle/breast to solid foods. And these are just the arguments going on about having babies and young children. I can't imagine what happens in elementary school, and I'm not ready to even think about it.

The point is, parents, who are doing arguably the hardest job in the world, are also having to compete with one another about which way is best. Which is crap. Truly honest pregnancy and baby-raising books talk about the range of "normal" in any baby's behavior, development, habits, etc. Each one of these children is an individual, a special human being with its own personality that shows in certain ways from birth. My mom likes to tell me that even as an infant, I liked being independent--I didn't really want to be held unless I was being fed. My brother was the exact opposite. How can we possibly say that one way of raising a child is fundamentally better than another? More importantly, even if one thing really IS better than the other, shouldn't we be supporting each other as parents, rather than competing? The saying goes that it takes a whole village to raise a child--so what happens when that whole "village" is locked in heated battle after heated battle?

I chose to write this post because I have spent the entirety of James' small life locked in what may be the harshest of these battles: breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding. After reading all of the pregnancy and birth books, I naturally turned to what I would do with this small human when he finally arrived. Wes and I spent very little time discussing this, because it just seemed to make sense that I would breastfeed at least until James was six months old. Why would we pay hundreds of dollars during his first year of life when I could feed him for free? Naturally? So we read the right books, we made use of the lactation consultants at the hospital and even called them after we left. 

But James wasn't gaining weight. Rather, our little guy, who was just barely over six pounds to begin with, had dropped down to only 5 by his eighth day of life. The verdict came down: we would have to supplement with formula while I pumped for awhile or he would be in grave danger of dehydration, and possibly brain damage if it went on too long. I cried while we talked to the doctor, but resolved to pump until we could go back to breastfeeding. 

That night, James, who wouldn't drink a full bottle, had gotten so lethargic that we took him to the hospital, where he stayed for the next three days. Breastfeeding almost killed my baby. He was so dehydrated that the nurses couldn't draw blood at first. Wes and I were sent to a room to wait while the staff did a spinal tap--through which we could hear James screaming through two closed doors. They gave me a pump and we discovered the problem--I had supply issues. For the next three weeks, I pumped every two to three hours, took several over the counter supplements as well as prescription medication, literally cried over drops of spilled milk and more until my midwife final told me that I was killing myself for something that would never happen. 

And for the last seven months, I have felt guilty every day. I've felt like a failure, like I'm not a good enough mom for James. The container of formula constantly reminds me that "breastfeeding is best." Other mothers breastfeed for years with no problems. Other mothers judge me for "choosing" to formula feed. Other mothers are berated for breastfeeding their children in public, while I am berated for not giving my child the best nutrition possible. Only in the last few weeks have I started to feel better, mostly because of sites like this and awesome men like this.

This is ridiculous. This has to stop. 

Only when parents stop the wars and start working together for better education and support will our children be able to be raised by a village. Only then can those who breastfeed feel comfortable breastfeeding in public--something that is natural and beautiful, a wonderful way for mother and child to bond. Only then can those who formula feed feel safe in pulling out their bottles in public, proudly showing the world that they, too, are providing the nutrition their child needs--just in a different way. Only then can fragile, hormone-ridden, emotional, post-birth women enjoy the time they have with their babies who grow up all too fast, no matter what they eat. Maybe then we can start looking around at classrooms full of children and realize that it is the care with which a parent feeds his or her child (or does any other activity with that child) that matters way more than the method. 

(Here is a great link to people who are trying to combat this issue).