The Little Metheran's First Year

Jess: We’ve been writing a lot of serious blogs recently, so as James’ first birthday closes in, we’re going to do a few about what we’ve learned so far. This time around, I'm going to talk about some not so great advice we received (or generally heard) and what would have helped. 

First on my list of “least helpful new parent advice” is “Sleep when the baby sleeps”. This had to be the most annoying because of its many variations, particularly “Sleep now [while you’re pregnant] because you won’t for years,” etc. People act A) as if having a child automatically means you’ll be exhausted forever and B) as if you can combat that by saving up on sleep like a camel saves water.

James slept about 20 hours a day when he was born. He was that random baby who really did sleep, wake up long enough for a diaper change and food, and go back to sleep. I think 20 hours of sleep is a bit crazy. It’s also important to remember that, after the initial couple of weeks when most parents have extra help around, people bringing meals, etc., there is a lot to be done. Meals have to be prepared, the house has to be kept in some kind of order, one or both parents goes back to work, etc.

Sleeping as usual!

There is some good in this advice, however. Rest is essential for both Momma and Daddy, especially during the first weeks. Because James slept so much, Wes and I would just go to bed after one of his nighttime feedings and go back to sleep as many times as necessary. Some people don’t have this option. Some parents have to go back to work, some babies don’t sleep like this. But the nugget of truth in this advice is that the first weeks and months of having a baby, when he/she eats every few hours, is exhausting. Your sleep patterns are thrown off and there is a big adjustment. Perhaps, rather than spouting unhelpful advice, we could offer to help new parents—give them a chance to rest, clean up, cook a meal. This makes all the difference in the world.

As a side note, I think I adjusted pretty well to our new sleep patterns. In my last few weeks of pregnancy, I was lucky if I slept an hour straight without James, my bladder, or pain waking me up. So the three hour stretches we got were pure bliss for me—I had a new baby, more sleep, and I could sleep on my stomach again!

Another often mentioned piece of parenting “advice” is “Enjoy every minute. They grow so fast.” There’s a reason we talk about hindsight being 20/20. Parents of older children are trying to impart valuable knowledge on new parents: life is short, and kids grow way too quickly. But “enjoy every minute” is just ridiculous. I’ve enjoyed much of life with James. Seeing him go from a helpless newborn to sitting and eating on his own to crawling and soon walking and talking has been awesome. Some of the details along the way? Not so much. Crying fits for no reason at 2 a.m.? Not so awesome.

Again, parents have great intentions with this advice. But trying to guilt new parents into “enjoying every minute” is no help. It just makes us feel like bad parents when we get frustrated and upset. The “they grow too fast” part is actually really helpful. Already, I’m looking back on James’ short life and wondering where the time went. Perhaps it would be more helpful to give advice related to that—I just don’t know how to word it. And when you see new parents struggling with a screaming child who can’t be consoled, I’m sure they’d love to hear, “Don’t worry, they grow out of that, too!”


Out of everything we’ve heard, though, the best was from our friends the Graves’. Someone told them years ago not to worry about what’s coming but to be present in the moment. In other words, I shouldn’t concern myself with how I’m going to raise James the two- or ten- or sixteen-year-old. I’ll figure that out when it comes. Rather, I should commit myself to caring for James the almsot 1-year-old
, loving him, and being the best mom I can right now.

Wes: So, here's the deal with me. I'm a horrible listener. I know... this is isn't good for a pastor, but there it is. If you tell me something, and I've deemed it not-worth-knowing, I will almost immediately forget it. 

By the way, this isn't a conscious thing. It just happens. I'm working on it, I promise. 

But this means that most of the bad advice we've been given, I've already and completely erased from my mind. So, since I obviously can't continue Jess' list, I'll talk about a different-yet-similar topic: Bad Parenting Advice that I've Learned from Popular TV Shows.

From How I Met Your Mother, I learned that it's alright to let your baby stew in his own excrement for as long as it is necessary to make sure that your spouse is the one who has to change the poopy diaper. I also learned that it is ok to randomly take your wife for drinks at the bar across town and assume that your child is safe without ever taking the time to explain where he is and who is watching him. 

From Scrubs, I learned that the only people who should be allowed to hold my baby are those who can deftly catch a hard rubber ball when I throw it as hard as I can at their faces. I also learned that my baby can at any time be used to make uncomfortable situations all that more awkward if I decided to start talking as if I were my baby giving commentary on the... promiscuosity... of the women around me. Also, nanny cams are really only used to check out the babysitter. Which is weird for us, since our friend Corbin is helping us out with James right now...

From Friends, I learned that it is perfectly acceptable to choose caregivers based on their lack of physical attractiveness as a way to get back at your baby momma/daddy. I also learned that the best way to portray your son on TV is with a set of twins so that you always have a back-up. 

From Modern Family, I learned that it is not at all confusing and bad for development for one parent to address the baby with one name and the other parent to call him something completely different. (Which is good, because when Jess isn't there, I call our son Wes the Third. My hope is that when he starts talking, he pronounces is "Wes da Turd." I can't tell you how hard I would laugh.)

That's all for now. I hope this was in some way helpful and not at a waste of time. 

You stay classy, World Wide Web.