The "S" Word

Jess: A few weeks ago in Confirmation, we talked about the sixth commandment. For those of you who have lost track--and trust me, I just checked to make sure I hadn't messed up--that's the one that says, "You shall not commit adultery." As one of the students pointed out, it's about sex and it's number six. Just in case you needed a good memory trick. 

I was pretty impressed with the students and their willingness to have a discussion about this commandment. Luther says that this commandment means, "We should fear and love God that we may lead a chaste and decent life in words and deeds, and each love and honor his spouse." We talked a lot about this and its practical applications for our lives. But what struck me the most was when we started talking about what the church tells us about sex. Linda and I talked a little about it when we met the next week, but it has been bothering me ever since. 

Why don't we talk about sex in the church? I'm not saying that the Sunday sermon is necessarily the best place to discuss the pros and cons of sex, sexuality, etc. Yet it's not as if sex doesn't exist in the Bible. God told Adam and Eve to "Be fruitful and multiply." Abraham and Sarah had fertility issues. Jacob had two wives, two concubines, and thirteen children! David, the great king, slept with his friend's wife. Jesus talks with prostitutes and those who have committed adultery. And there's no lack of discussion on circumcision in the Bible. But this was one of the first--if not THE first--time that I've discussed sex in a church setting. We didn't even do that in campus ministry at college. 

What are we so afraid of? Look at the traditional ways the church has dealt with the issue of sex. Either we ignore it completely, or we convince everyone that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, or we declare that having sex before marriage somehow makes you less perfect. None of these is the right way to talk about something that God obviously intended for us. Surely if God thought sex was dirty, God would have created us in another way. And in Bible times, sex WAS marriage, so how can we declare something like that? There's no way that never talking about sex ever ever ever in the church is the right answer. It's part of God's creation, and God declared the whole of creation good. 
 
If we don't talk about sex with the adolescents in our congregations, where are they going to learn? Sure, they'll learn the mechanics, some scary results, and possibly some options for contraception in school. Parents can talk to them, but is that enough? Can that combat everything they're going to hear from their friends, all the dirty jokes and bragging? What if we took the time in church to teach them that sex is a gift from God, and what that means? What if we taught them about how to deal with the hormones and emotions they experience on a daily basis right now? What if we taught them how to be friends with other boys and girls without feeling the pressure to use their sexuality inappropriately?

I'm definitely not claiming to have the answers. This is one of those situations where all I know is that what we're doing now isn't working. I'm not sure how to fix it, but I know we should. 


Wes: Here are some of my thoughts on sex:


Why is it called the birds and the bees? I've always wondered that...


I read somewhere (maybe in Rob Bell's "Sex God" but I'm not promising anything) that throughout history, curse words have developed around the thing that each culture holds as the most important thing. This is why so many older curse words, such as the use of the Lord's name in vain, focus around God. It's also why, during the Black Plague, the word "bloody" became a strong curse word in Europe--blood was extremely important, especially if it was healthy and still running in someone's veins. I think it is interesting that a number of our "worst" curse words all deal with either the act of copulation or the body parts that are used for said activity. 


I think the most I have ever heard about sex in church--in any setting, be it youth group, confirmation, adult Bible study, or anything else within the confines of the local church--is when someone read the Scripture that includes "so-and-so begetting so-and-so" (please keep in mind that this is not a direct quotation; the Bible does not actually contain the phrase "so-and-so" in Hebrew or Greek). The Lutherans might have the Methodists beat on this point... But only on this point.


I can vividly remember, though, being in settings with other denominations, such as a youth camp and FCA and even a See You At The Pole, where sex was not only brought up, but extra-marital sex was openly condemned and portrayed as the absolute worst thing that any God-fearing man or woman could ever do. I always felt like this was an unhelpful way to approach the problem. It was like telling someone not to eat that cake or not to press the red button. Of course they are going to have icing around their lips, and the alarms will be going off because the doomsday device is now working at full power. Tell someone--let's say, for instance, a teenage boy--that he is absolutely not allowed under any circumstances to do something--let's say, for instance, sex--and most of the time that one activity will pervade the majority of his waking thoughts. There has to be a better way to teach abstinence, and I don't mean by doing what my church obviously did, which was ignore the subject completely.


I will say that I was able to have wonderful one-on-one conversations with my good friends within the church about sex and through these conversations I learned a lot about my views, what Scripture said, and how the church could better portray this. I also am very grateful to have had the opportunity to participate in Chrysalis, a Walk to Emmaus style retreat for high schoolers. They break the groups up for the weekend into a guy's retreat and girl's retreat and then go through different topics. Two of these topics were sex in marriage and celibacy in singleness. These talks, given by lay leaders from the area, were real and very influential for both my own growth as well as the growth of who knows how many other guys. 


I was also very lucky to be a part of a Men's Spirituality Group at TLU that dealt with a number of hard issues, and even though I don't remember a specific one about sex, we did speak quite a lot about the needs, responsibilities, and roles that men play in their different relationships throughout life. In the myriad of conversations that we had, I am sure that even if the subject of sex was not broached, it was the one place that I would have felt absolutely comfortable in speaking about it with others. 


So. I guess in summary: Sex is a good, God-given thing that the church needs to find a better way of addressing. This does not include trying to scare the sex out of adolescents. It also does not include completely shying away from the subject. Open, frank discussions about sex are good things. Finally, why is it called the birds and bees?


I really want to know... Someone google it for me. 


Well, TTFN: Ta Ta For Now. You stay classy, World Wide Web.




Love, Jess and Wes