Two P's of Parenting from the Cains: Patience, and Partnership

Jess: Our little baby will be 16 months old on Friday, and I simply can’t believe it. In fact, a few weeks from now marks two years since we found out that our family would be growing. It is amazing how different our life looks since then. I can’t honestly say we have enjoyed every minute, but life is wonderful with James in our lives.

As I wiped pee off the floor this morning, I realized that there is one thing that has been really important during the last two years: PATIENCE. Now, just over a year ago, Wes and I wrote a blog about patience, and our lack thereof. And yet, out of everything that we have done, from reading books to talking to other parents to observing our own situation, having more patience has been the biggest game-changer.

In Evan Almighty, there is a point where God (awesomely portrayed by Morgan Freeman) talks to the main character’s wife about how God goes about answering prayers. He says, “Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?”

There is so much patience required in being a parent. First, you have to wait nine months for the kid to bother to make an appearance. In that time, you wait to hear a heartbeat, wait to see the baby, wait to discover the baby’s gender, wait for signs of labor, wait, wait, wait. There’s no speeding up the process—babies need time to develop. And even once they’re here, there is literally nothing they can do for themselves for months. You wait for the day they can soothe themselves, sit up alone, feed themselves, sleep through the night, etc.

All of this waiting, all of these opportunities to be patient, are what have created greater patience in me. I can see it in other areas of my life, as well. I’m more patient in traffic, more patient when projects take awhile to get going, more patient in everyday conversations. This is going to be a great asset in my life as a pastor. But the greatest benefits of patience learned through parenting has been having more patience for parenting.

Throughout James’ young life, we have made many changes: liquid to solid diet, sleeping in our room to sleeping in his own room, following James’ schedule to making our own, bottles to cups, three naps to two naps to one nap. Each one of these changes is pretty major for a little guy who hasn’t known anything else his whole life. Each time we make a change, we’ve gone the “slow and steady” route. Introduce a little solid food. Gradually tweak James’ schedule till it becomes our own. And now, we’re working on two slow processes: getting rid of the pacifier and potty training.

By not having expectations that these things will happen overnight, we don’t jar James out of his comfort zone. We take our time so that the new thing seems natural by the time we’ve completely switched to it. Patience is key. James isn’t going to be in “big boy” underwear by tomorrow. But he just might use the potty, and that’s something to celebrate. For James, too, is learning patience. He’s also learning that his parents love him and will walk with him through the challenges in life. And he is teaching us so much along the way.

Wes: Jess, once again, said basically everything that needed to be said. In fact, I loved the way that she ended her part of the post so much that I actually feel bad about writing anything after it. So, if you don’t want to read this part of the post, that’s cool. I would have stopped with Jess’ words as well.

But here’s the deal. I have to write something. In part because I’m one of those people who almost always has something to say and in part (a much larger part) because Jess is expecting me to write my half of this post. This blog is a team effort, and we are partnering in it. If I were to not hold up my end of partnership, it would not be the same. That doesn’t necessarily mean that it would be less of a blog—I already admitted that you could only read Jess’ parts and be perfectly content with life—but it wouldn’t be complete in the way we meant it to be complete.

That’s also what I’ve found to be true with parenting. Jess and I joke on occasion that she parents James and I babysit James, like it’s something I do for short periods of time and then receive some form of payment for services rendered (clothes washed, food prepared, etc…). We’ve both known people who function this way, and in most cases, that works fine for them.

But we’ve worked hard to make sure that our parenting is different—not better, but different, and something that better fits with our understanding of family and philosophy of childrearing.

So when we joke about me babysitting, it’s actually a reminder to both of us of the partnership we have entered when it comes to our son. Both of us see our parenthood as a pairs match—neither of us should have to bear all of the burden of raising James on our own. That’s not how we have set up this game to be played.

That is not at all to say that one cannot do a fantastic job raising kids by his/herself. I will be the first to admit that Jess is the better, more equipped and prepared parent. James would grow up to be a fine young man if she were a single parent, and—in all honesty—I probably cause more damage with this partnership than would be there if I were not in the picture. James already has a bad habit of head-butting people and sticking his tongue out at them, because hey, I think it’s hilarious.

Jess could do this whole parenting thing on her own and shine at it, but that’s not how we have decided to do this whole raising kids thing. It’s a partnership, and one we each have to actively be a part of if we want to see it work.

Luckily, I’m not as forgetful with James as I am with posting our blogs on a regular basis!

So here’s just a little glimpse into our process and two things that we have found to be vitally important in how we raise our son. This is not meant to be instructive—not that it couldn’t do that—but is instead meant to show you a little more of who we are and what has rang true for our lives, this past year especially.

That’s all for now. You stay classy, World Wide Web.

wes and jess

Lent 2014

Jess: We are officially in the season of Lent, and Wes and I are doing a smattering of Lenten disciplines this year. The whole purpose of these practices is to remove obstacles that get in the way of your relationship with God, with keeping faith and the Almighty at the center of your life. Over the years, we have both "given up" a variety of things: junk food, TV, Facebook, etc. 

This year, we had a long discussion about what would be good to give up for the season of Lent, and we came up with...nothing. We talked about giving up Facebook, which is not a bad idea, but we have too many people who keep in contact through that method. Instead, I chose to move the FB app on my phone out of the way so that I'm not automatically hitting it when I turn on my phone. I think more carefully about whether I'm getting on FB because I have something important to do there, or because I'm too lazy to think of something better to do with my time. 

I stopped giving up certain kinds of food a few years ago after I lost five pounds over Lent. I don't want the underlying purpose of any Lenten discipline to be losing weight or some other outcome that's better for me in that way. As a side benefit, losing weight was fine, but going into Lent knowing that that would probably happen wouldn't work the same. Plus, Wes and I are both trying to be healthier overall, so we've been making changes along the way. 

While I tossed out the idea of giving up TV, Wes pointed out that we don't even watch TV every day anymore. We have 4 or 5 half hour shows that we watch when they're new, plus we have a show we're watching on Netflix. For the most part, we watch less than an hour of TV per day. Some days it's none, and some days we veg, but an hour or less is the norm. We don't let James watch TV, so our time for doing so is limited to his sleep times, and we generally would rather read or play a game at this point in our lives. This didn't seem like a sacrifice that would really change our lives in any significant way, and it certainly wouldn't lead us closer to God, it would just lead us to read or play games more often. 

So this year we settled on simplification and re-focusing our lives, which is the overall goal of Lent. We are supposed to take this time to examine ourselves and our lives, and see where they are going astray from God's plan for us. To that end, we are taking on two Lenten disciplines: 1) 40 bags in 40 days, which involves going through our house, our cars, and probably our computers/phones to throw out/give away what we don't need or use. 2) Reading through and doing activities from Adam Hamilton's Love to Stay, with the purpose of taking time to focus on our marriage and God each week and day of the season. I'm looking forward to both!

Wes: Basically, what Jess said.

Also, I’m trying a couple of new things during this Lenten season that should be fun. One of my good friends, Jon Lys, has agreed to do a Facetime book study with me. We’re going to be reading through Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s Ethics, the book he began to write and never finished while staying as a permanent resident in a Nazi death camp. He was executed before he could finish it. I’m excited to read through this with Jon, and excited to dive once again into one of my favorite theologian/pastor’s works.

The second thing that I’m going to try to do—we’ll see how successful it is—it to blog on a daily basis on either this blog or my personal one, The Flip-Flop Prophet. I’ve gotten way out of habit, and it’s actually something I like to do, so I’m hoping this can be a good encouragement for me. Between the decluttering, Love to Stay, and Ethics—as well as my weekly storytelling, sermon writing, etc…—I should have plenty to write about.

So what are y’all doing for Lent? Let us know, so we can encourage you in your endeavors.

Losing to Win

Jess: For most of our marriage, Wes and I have both wanted to lose weight. We have both had highs and lows through challenging ourselves to get healthier. I personally found that I was the healthiest during my pregnancy. Why is it that it’s always easier to do something for someone else than for yourself?

As I look back over the arc of my relationship with Wes, I realize that we have gradually become healthier as individuals and as a couple. When we got married, we simply didn’t have much money. This was a blessing and a curse. We didn’t have a lot of spare cash for things like chips or ice cream or going out, but we also didn’t have money to buy a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables. Lacking money and moving to New Jersey in the dead of winter meant we spent a lot of our free time watching TV.

When we moved to our house, we got into a routine of taking walks around the neighborhood, and even did some small trips to go hiking for an afternoon. We still watched a lot of TV, but we started earning enough money to buy decent food, yet managed to keep junk food out of the house for the most part. For the first 9-ish months of living in our house, we shared a car, so Wes walked/biked to work a lot, and I went to school with him and would walk around Princeton while he was in class.

Now that we’re back in Texas, we can walk almost any day that it’s not raining. James loves being outside and asks to do so every day. We can go to the park/playground, and we love to move as a family. James has gotten to the point of wanting to eat whatever we eat, so we’re very careful about what we choose to put on our plates and in our cups. We don’t want him to grow up challenged by a sweet tooth or overwhelming love of French fries, and that’s changing our habits, too.

Through all this, I realize that the things that have worked the best are those that we have done together. We have made an agreement to not keep many sweets (for my sake) or chips (for Wes’) around the house. We go out occasionally and try to share, paying attention to what we’re eating. We like to take walks together and do our best to walk to various places in Kyle, or at least park the car far away when we go to shop.

The greatest change for both of us has been getting pedometers and enrolling in a six-month Diet Bet. We’ve committed to trying to lose 10% of our weight over 6 months, with each month holding its own percentage goal. Wes’ health care program gives us money for completing certain step goals each quarter. It’s been a great way to get us up and moving.

When we switched to Fitbit trackers, we also got the phone app that helps us track our food, water, calories burned, etc. Just in the couple weeks we’ve had them, I can see a remarkable change in our eating and activity. I feel more compelled to track my food because I know Wes and I will talk about it. We have a bit of healthy competition, but we mostly compete against ourselves and cheer each other on. I’m so proud of what Wes has been doing—he won our Diet Bet this last month, even after I had given up on any chance of doing so. I think getting healthy is one of the best things we have done as a couple, and the effects are clear in James, as well!

Wes: So here’s the deal with me and food: I love to eat. I blame my parents, because of course nothing is my fault. I’ve never had too bad of a sweet tooth—I like the occasional ice cream, sure—but what really gets me is savory shtuff. I love chips and salsa. Even better is chips and queso. I love chicken wings. And ribs. And chicken-fried steak. If it tastes oh so good, you know I’m going to want a bite or twelve… hundred.

Growing up, my family was mostly a meat-and-potatoes and comfort food family. Our veggies were, for the most part, from cans, and we ate out a lot. I’ve talked with my parents about it many times, and every time we talked, I realized that it was really the easiest and fastest way to put out food for a family of seven (plus the constant stream of friends, family, and strangers who found their way to our kitchen). I don’t hold it against them at all; I still eat that way when I have the choice! But it meant that I had a pretty steep learning curve to conquer if I was going to be able to start eating healthier and losing weight.

That and my dad’s cooking is really, really good.

Going into college, I noticed that when I had the freedom to eat whatever and cook whatever, I actually chose to eat a little healthier. I liked the taste of fresh and frozen veggies better than their canned counterparts. I liked the taste of marinated and grilled meats much better than fried. I would rather eat brown rice than white—as long as it was in casserole form (which, as Jess will and does complain about, is my favorite way to cook).

But I still ate. A lot. And I was never able to get into a regular fitness program to which I actually looked forward every day. Well, marrying Jess changed my diet even more—for the much, much better—as she’s already mentioned. But I still couldn’t find a way to encourage myself to get out and get healthy.

I hadn’t always been so sedimentary—when I was younger, I was extremely active in sports and loved above everything else to swim. So I decided to try that back out. We got a membership at a local pool in NJ and I started swimming regularly. But then I made the grave mistake of deciding that since I was burning so much, I could eat so much more.

It’s taken me all of my adolescent and adult life (which I admit is still not too long), but I think I’ve finally found the happy medium between working out on a regular basis (swimming and power walking mostly) and eating well. For the first time in a very long time, I’m not squeezing into my clothes, worrying about when my XXL’s would turn into XXXL’s. I’m not watching my waist size climb and climb, knowing that soon I’d have to buy more clothes, to find a bigger belt.

I’m actually losing, and feeling great about myself for the first time in a very long time. I’m just about ready to transition down to a single X, something that I haven’t felt comfortable in since Junior High, and I have already gone down two pant sizes as of today. I am actually having to engage in the fun task of buying a smaller belt, because I’m tired of punching my own holes in my current one.

I’ve still got a very long way to go until I’m where I want to be. I still want to some day pursue reserve chaplaincy in the Air Force once I’m ordained, and I cannot do that until I lose even more serious poundage.

But I’m on the right track, and it’s a great feeling.

Thank you to all of those who have been an encouragement and support to us in this process. Y’all stay classy.

-j&w

On the Seventh Day of Christmas, Wessica Gave to Me...

Jess: Wes and I have been spending a lot of time talking about Christmas this year. We wrote a blog a couple of years ago about Christmas (http://themetheranlife.blogspot.com/2011/12/love-came-down-at-christmas.html#comment-form). I knew things would change when we had kid(s), but I never realized just how different it would be.

Last year, James was just barely a month old at Christmas. We had assumed he would be late, and therefore would arrive just a week or so before Christmas. I had SO many people ask what we were getting James for Christmas, and I was kind of offended. Wasn’t LIFE good enough for a month-old baby? What would even be the point of wrapping something for him?

This year, things are a little different. James kind of understands the concept of opening a present. He kind of has fun doing so.  And yet, his present from us has been open and used for almost two weeks now, and I never wrapped it to start with. There is a lot of pressure on us to do these big things for James’ birthdays and Christmas, yet he honestly doesn’t care. We joked about wrapping a box, because that’s all he cares about.

The whole Christmas-present discussion is a can of worms. Of course we want to get things for our child, but we do that on a regular basis. I certainly don’t want to raise a kid who thinks he’s entitled to presents. I also don’t want to raise a child who thinks his behavior is being monitored by a creepy elf who reports to an old fat guy, either. I want James to truly appreciate what he is given, to recognize that he is privileged far beyond most children in the world, and to want to help others rather than be greedy.

Perhaps this is a lot to ask of my child—certainly it is too much right now. But one day he will understand this gift giving and receiving thing. One day he will learn more about the rest of the world. One day he will find out that Santa is a concept, not a person.

We have a lot of things to work out regarding Christmas, and thankfully, James is too young to care right now. Santa or no Santa? Lots of presents or just one? How will he give presents? Should we have a Christmas tradition of helping rather than hoarding? Obviously, with Wes and I both being pastors, Christmas is going to look very different in our home than in James’ friends’ homes. I’m kind of glad for that. Maybe we’ll take advantage of how different it already is and remember to make Christmas about what it’s really supposed to be: the birth of Jesus, who came into the world, died, and was raised again for the sake of all people. What other gift do we really need?

Wes: First, a confession: It is my fault that we haven’t posted anything in a while. Jess keeps sending me blogs, and I keep putting them aside and not doing anything with them. Like she writes her entire part, and then I do… nothing. Sorry, friends. I let you down.

Now: Christmas. I love Christmas. I love celebrating the birth of Christ with my friends and family. I love the winter wonderland (even sans snow). I love the cheer.

I still think it’s magical to open up presents and to see what others have thought were the perfect gifts for me. I love even more seeing the looks on my loved ones’ faces when they open my gifts and I know immediately that yes, I did find the perfect gift for them (I wish this one happened more often).

But wow if we haven’t turned Christmas into a gluttonous thing! It’s like that scene from the first Harry Potter book/movie, when Dudley gets all of those presents—and demands another when he counts and doesn’t have enough—and Harry… gets… nothing.

We spend sooooooooooooo much money on gifts, food for feasts, travel to get places, etc… and yet, rarely do we do much anything for those truly in need. Yeah, sure, donations and giving to charity go up during the Christmas season, and yeah, not all of it is because of that bell ringer staring guilt into your eyes as you leave Target, but it’s not near enough.

And I’m not saying I do this all right, either. I bought too many presents and received too many present. I used the cash gifts I was given—I’ll admit it, those are my favorite—to get more stuff.

As good ol’ Relient K once sang, “I’m part of the problem, I confess, but I gotta get this off my chest.”

We hear so many people of faith throughout our nation ready to complain about how the secular world has ruined Christmas, how atheists are bringing the downfall of this wonderful holiday, etc… But I have to wonder how many of my brothers and sisters join me every year in catering to that commercialization. How many of us spend our money on decorations, holiday-themed clothing, gifts, and so much more as a way to honor our the birth of our Lord

when what would really honor Jesus Christ would be to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, house the homeless, and visit the sick and the imprisoned?

Sadly, that doesn’t sound like our “ideal way” to celebrate Christmas to me…

Merry Christmas, World Wide Web.

The Little Metheran's First Year

Jess: We’ve been writing a lot of serious blogs recently, so as James’ first birthday closes in, we’re going to do a few about what we’ve learned so far. This time around, I'm going to talk about some not so great advice we received (or generally heard) and what would have helped. 

First on my list of “least helpful new parent advice” is “Sleep when the baby sleeps”. This had to be the most annoying because of its many variations, particularly “Sleep now [while you’re pregnant] because you won’t for years,” etc. People act A) as if having a child automatically means you’ll be exhausted forever and B) as if you can combat that by saving up on sleep like a camel saves water.

James slept about 20 hours a day when he was born. He was that random baby who really did sleep, wake up long enough for a diaper change and food, and go back to sleep. I think 20 hours of sleep is a bit crazy. It’s also important to remember that, after the initial couple of weeks when most parents have extra help around, people bringing meals, etc., there is a lot to be done. Meals have to be prepared, the house has to be kept in some kind of order, one or both parents goes back to work, etc.

Sleeping as usual!

There is some good in this advice, however. Rest is essential for both Momma and Daddy, especially during the first weeks. Because James slept so much, Wes and I would just go to bed after one of his nighttime feedings and go back to sleep as many times as necessary. Some people don’t have this option. Some parents have to go back to work, some babies don’t sleep like this. But the nugget of truth in this advice is that the first weeks and months of having a baby, when he/she eats every few hours, is exhausting. Your sleep patterns are thrown off and there is a big adjustment. Perhaps, rather than spouting unhelpful advice, we could offer to help new parents—give them a chance to rest, clean up, cook a meal. This makes all the difference in the world.

As a side note, I think I adjusted pretty well to our new sleep patterns. In my last few weeks of pregnancy, I was lucky if I slept an hour straight without James, my bladder, or pain waking me up. So the three hour stretches we got were pure bliss for me—I had a new baby, more sleep, and I could sleep on my stomach again!

Another often mentioned piece of parenting “advice” is “Enjoy every minute. They grow so fast.” There’s a reason we talk about hindsight being 20/20. Parents of older children are trying to impart valuable knowledge on new parents: life is short, and kids grow way too quickly. But “enjoy every minute” is just ridiculous. I’ve enjoyed much of life with James. Seeing him go from a helpless newborn to sitting and eating on his own to crawling and soon walking and talking has been awesome. Some of the details along the way? Not so much. Crying fits for no reason at 2 a.m.? Not so awesome.

Again, parents have great intentions with this advice. But trying to guilt new parents into “enjoying every minute” is no help. It just makes us feel like bad parents when we get frustrated and upset. The “they grow too fast” part is actually really helpful. Already, I’m looking back on James’ short life and wondering where the time went. Perhaps it would be more helpful to give advice related to that—I just don’t know how to word it. And when you see new parents struggling with a screaming child who can’t be consoled, I’m sure they’d love to hear, “Don’t worry, they grow out of that, too!”


Out of everything we’ve heard, though, the best was from our friends the Graves’. Someone told them years ago not to worry about what’s coming but to be present in the moment. In other words, I shouldn’t concern myself with how I’m going to raise James the two- or ten- or sixteen-year-old. I’ll figure that out when it comes. Rather, I should commit myself to caring for James the almsot 1-year-old
, loving him, and being the best mom I can right now.

Wes: So, here's the deal with me. I'm a horrible listener. I know... this is isn't good for a pastor, but there it is. If you tell me something, and I've deemed it not-worth-knowing, I will almost immediately forget it. 

By the way, this isn't a conscious thing. It just happens. I'm working on it, I promise. 

But this means that most of the bad advice we've been given, I've already and completely erased from my mind. So, since I obviously can't continue Jess' list, I'll talk about a different-yet-similar topic: Bad Parenting Advice that I've Learned from Popular TV Shows.

From How I Met Your Mother, I learned that it's alright to let your baby stew in his own excrement for as long as it is necessary to make sure that your spouse is the one who has to change the poopy diaper. I also learned that it is ok to randomly take your wife for drinks at the bar across town and assume that your child is safe without ever taking the time to explain where he is and who is watching him. 

From Scrubs, I learned that the only people who should be allowed to hold my baby are those who can deftly catch a hard rubber ball when I throw it as hard as I can at their faces. I also learned that my baby can at any time be used to make uncomfortable situations all that more awkward if I decided to start talking as if I were my baby giving commentary on the... promiscuosity... of the women around me. Also, nanny cams are really only used to check out the babysitter. Which is weird for us, since our friend Corbin is helping us out with James right now...

From Friends, I learned that it is perfectly acceptable to choose caregivers based on their lack of physical attractiveness as a way to get back at your baby momma/daddy. I also learned that the best way to portray your son on TV is with a set of twins so that you always have a back-up. 

From Modern Family, I learned that it is not at all confusing and bad for development for one parent to address the baby with one name and the other parent to call him something completely different. (Which is good, because when Jess isn't there, I call our son Wes the Third. My hope is that when he starts talking, he pronounces is "Wes da Turd." I can't tell you how hard I would laugh.)

That's all for now. I hope this was in some way helpful and not at a waste of time. 

You stay classy, World Wide Web. 

Do justice, love mercy...

Jess: Wes and I have both expressed frustration with the recent $40 billion cuts to SNAP.Personally, I have been disgusted with the way many of my friends and family are reacting to this—with joy. I am so sick of hearing/seeing comments like “Stop being lazy and get a job!” or “Why should I pay for someone else to eat just because they’re too lazy to work?”

Let’s get something straight. Most people do not choose to be poor, to be on food stamps, to be on welfare or any other form of assistance. It’sembarrassing. It can make adults feel useless and unproductive, and children feel excluded from “normal” life. Sure, there are probably—definitely—people taking advantage of the system, and we should work to eliminate that. I am perfectly okay with periodic drug testing and other such reforms. But simply cutting funding to human beings is not cool. And I am especially disappointed when I hear these things from my Christian friends, people who read or hear week in and week out about the God of justice, the God who cares for the poor and needy and requires that all God’s people do the same.

Wes and I are living proof that poor people are not lazy. We have been fortunate enough throughout our marriage that we have not had to be on any sort of public assistance. But just barely. When we first got married, we were digging into our savings each month just to pay for health insurance, a relatively small car payment, groceries, rent, and gas so that I could work. Either I had to get a second job (and we already barely saw each other due to my schedule) or Wes had to work part-time and go to school full-time. We were blessed that Wes was appointed to the churches and we even had a parsonage.

Although I would never call our financial situation for the next three years “comfortable,” it was much better. After Wes got his job, the laws changed and we were both able to go back on our parents’ insurance, leaving us responsible only for copays instead of monthly payments. Our car insurance went down as we remained safe drivers. We were able to go out to eat with friends on occasion and not wonder how we would pay my student loans that month if we did. We were able to build our savings back up again and save for a second car, which we needed when I started school.

Having James didn’t significantly change our financial situation, but only because we have wonderful friends and family who helped with the cost of furniture, diapers, clothes, and other necessities. Then we moved, and everything changed again. First came the moving costs themselves. Although both the Southwest Texas Methodist Conference and Triumphant helped with moving costs, we had to get a car, two adults, two cats, and a 6-month-old from New Jersey to Texas. Then we had a month where we had no home because we were waiting for Wes’ job to start. Then we waited another couple of weeks before he got paid. We went two months with no paycheck and we’re still hurting. While we are earning well above the poverty level (I can’t imagine living on that), we are in no way “stable.”

Our savings has suffered because of the long stretch without income. We had to buy a second car so I could commute to work—which also increased our gas expenditures. As when we bought Wes’ car, we found that the only way to save money buying used was to buy a car so old we would soon be spending tons of money to keep it running. So we took on another loan. Wes’ school loans came out of deferment in August. And about half of my paycheck each month goes to putting James in childcare—which is cheap, comparatively.

We are not lazy. We work hard. Both of us worked through college; both of us have worked at least part time through seminary. The cost of the education that is required for us to be in the vocation to which we are called is ridiculous. The cost of living in NJ was almost unbearable. If we didn’t have health insurance through Wes now, we wouldn’t be able to afford it for the family. If we didn’t have the parsonage through Wes, we wouldn’t be able to afford to live somewhere decent, either. If I lost my job for some reason, we might make it. But if Wes did, we would be in serious trouble.

And there are many, many people in this country who are way worse off than we are. Please don’t call them lazy. Please don’t assume they aren’t trying. Please recognize that there are MANY factors that go into this problem, and most of them are systemic, not individual. Please pray for those who cannot support themselves or their families. I can’t imagine how terrifying that must be. 

(Some interesting charts to see.)

Wes: Hey, friends. Something has been bothering me for a while, and I’ve been trying to figure out how best to broach the subject. I still haven’t decided if this is the right medium for it, but here goes:

I’m worried. I’m worried about America. I’m worried about the church. I’m worried about the world in which we live.

Two weeks ago, there was a mass shooting in the Naval yard just outside of Washington D.C. I found out about it because a parishioner was watching T.V. and called me to make sure I knew about it. I jumped on my computer and read story after story of the incident, my heart breaking as yet another community in our nation was hit with the onslaught of needless violence. People died. Others were seriously injured.

And no one said a thing about it on my Facebook feed all day.

Now, I’m not so attached to social media that I think that this is the only place people share their thoughts, reactions, and emotions. But it does serve as basically a data dump for everyone with whom I’m “friends”, so that I can see exactly what they thought was relevant and important enough at the time that they posted it on their walls. Here are a list of a few of the things that I did see:

·          Articles from The Onion

·          Pictures of food

·          Memes… so many memes…

·          Statuses about football

·          Religious quotes and Scripture references

·          A Boy Meets World video (Okay, I posted this one because I needed to smile)

Now, this tells me a few things about my friends (as well as the major political and religious figures that I “follow”)—mainly, that they either don’t watch the news, or the fact that innocent people were shot and killed so close to our nation’s capital was not considered important enough to beat out that link to a GIF of a cat dancing for prominence on my Newsfeed.

And it’s not only online that I was unpleasantly surprised by the lack of response to this. I spent a good deal of my office hours on the 16^th in Starbucks, working on stuff, but also listening to the people around me. There must have been over 200 people who came through that coffee shop while I was sitting inside, and not a single person said anything about the shooting.

Are we getting to a point in our culture where just don’t care anymore?

Have we reached a new level of apathy, where we think that if it’s not happening directly in front of us that is doesn’t actually impact us?

Why don’t we care more that innocent men, women, and children are dying around the world due to war, violence, starvation, and disease? Why are we splitting hairs over minor details in laws and governmental funding when parents who are working as hard as they can are unable to provide food for their children? Why aren’t more people worried about the fact that there aren’t more people worried?

Now, I don’t want to come across as high and mighty in this. I know I’m right in the middle of it. I have accepted the call upon my life to be God’s voice in the world, which includes saying the hard things at times. I have a soapbox in the form of a pulpit that I can utilize on a weekly basis to talk about these kinds of things. And you know what? For the most part, I don’t. I see the hurting, I see the pain, I hear of the horrendous things happening, and I think to myself “someone should care more”, or “someone should say or do something.”

To quote Relient K, “I’m part of the problem, I confess, but I gotta get this off my chest.”

On September 16^th, 2013, thirteen people were shot to death. We should care about this. We should hurt because of this. We should fall down in prayer to a God who has promised to make all things new, and pray for restoration in the midst of horrible brokenness.

And we should be worried if we are not doing these things. 

Metheran Struggles

Jess: I’m nearing the end of the first month of my internship, and the Metheran family is adjusting to our new life: two parents working full-time and a child in daycare.

This has been a pretty tough transition for me. As the weeks of the summer dwindled down, I began to question my desire to do an internship. I was having SO much fun with James every day, as well as getting to do some things I haven’t had time for since seminary started—like reading books because I want to or playing Lego Harry Potter. So some of my reasons were pretty selfish, but others were vocational.

I have no doubt that I have been called to serve God as an ordained pastor. It took me many years to be able to say that, and there are definitely days where I still question what that means. Probably most days. Yet I also have no doubt that I have been called to be a mother—a mother to James, a mother to his future biological sibling(s), and a mother to children in foster and potentially adoptive care. I have known of this calling for the majority of my life. Yet in all the years that I spent thinking about these dual callings, I never thought about how they would function in one life.

I never thought that leaving my child in someone else’s care for the majority of the week would be so hard on me. Throughout the last 6 months or so, Wes and I have debated every possibility for childcare. We talked about utilizing the Mother’s Day Out program at TLC, and the Baptist Church in Kyle. But these places didn’t offer late enough hours or flexibility. We talked about a nanny, but I knew we couldn’t afford the level or hours of care that we needed. We talked about regular daycare, but I had no desire to send James to daycare—and it is very difficult to separate the “good for James” daycares from the others.

So we searched high and low for home daycare, and finally one of Wes’ parishioners told us about her neighbor. We clicked automatically, she was willing to work with our crazy work schedule, cloth diapering, homemade food, and other random things, and we loved the setting. (It doesn’t hurt that Wes’ parishioner can pop in if we’re ever concerned). But I refused to take James on my first day, and I still have a hard time dropping him off. This is made even more difficult on days when James is obviously having a hard day—I feel like I’m doing something wrong by leaving him.

For now, I am reassuring myself by remembering that James will remember the general feelings of his younger years, if that. He will remember laughing with Mom and Dad, reading on the couch, hugs, encouragement, learning, and being loved. He will not remember the day, earlier this week, when I picked him up and he bawled. The point is quality, not quantity.

But I also wonder if this is what our life should look like for years to come. After my internship, I will be “going back” to school. I will take online and intensive courses, but, for the most part, I will be hanging out with James every day for another year. How will that affect my call into ordained ministry? Are there times when one or the other call will reign? Can I realistically balance these at all times until all of my children start their own lives? Being a part-time mom isn’t an option for me, and there have already been days where I feel like that’s what I am. This year is certainly filled with excitement already! 

Wes: I think that the past month of transitions has been a little easier on me, mainly because I never really stopped transitioning from one thing to another since we moved back down in May. First, there was the literal movement from New Jersey to Texas. Then there was the change from transience to permanence as we actually got to move into our new home almost exactly an entire month after moving down here. Then there was the shift from part-time ministry to vacation/Sabbath season to full-time ministry. Finally, we’ve not had the transition from one of us working full-time and the other staying home with James to both of us working and James in home care.

Does life ever take a break?

It helps that James is such a happy baby most of the time. Also that he seems to really enjoy being at Miss Jamie’s. We haven’t had to deal with a breakdown at drop-off or pick-up yet, thank the Lord. But it’s still hard. I loved and cherished every minute of my lunch breaks during my first month at KUMC, when I could come home and know I would be greeted by both my wife and the cutest baby to ever crawl over the earth.

Oh, also, James is crawling now.

But we deal. It’s all part of life, apparently, so you kinda have to deal with it. You do what you gotta do, and that’s that.

We’ve also discovered just how challenging the time-juggling is going to be for us Metherans. We don’t have the extra money to pay a babysitter, so when we both have meetings at our churches on the same night of the week, one of us has to take James to that meeting. Now, we’ve really lucked out a couple of times because James has some amazing grandparents and uncles who love to be around him. A few sticky situations were avoided when Mega-Me (My dad. Yeah, that’s right. His grandpa name is Mega-Me. Be jealous) came to play with James while Jess and I took care of church stuff. Next month, Grandma K (Jess’ mom. Not as awesome as Mega-Me) will play with James all week while I am out at a retreat and Jess is working. They’ve been life savers.

But it’s hard. It’s hard knowing that the precious little time of each day that we should be able to spend with James, we are instead stuck in finance or council or whatever other meetings. Not that those meetings are not important or not worth attending—I fully believe they are (for the most part) essential—but baby always trumps (potentially boring) meeting.

Hopefully, we’ll become better jugglers of time and better Tetris players of schedules. And, hopefully, we’ll find some way to remember that God’s going to see us through, even if we can’t spend as much time with James as either of us would like.

Well, that's all for now. You stay classy, World Wide Web. 

-jess and wes